论文部分内容阅读
It was November 2011， and I was driving home from a very long day at the office. When a call from my exhusband interrupted the blissful silence of my drive， I wondered if I was ready for one of his raging phone calls. We had divorced six years earlier， and unfortunately his anger toward me for the divorce had not softened. We only spoke to each other if absolutely necessary. I hesitantly answered the phone. I hoped my chipper attitude would help set the tone for our exchange.
His words took my breath away. He had stage IV esophageal and stomach cancer.
All I was able to whisper was， “ I am sorry， so sorry.”
Tears stung my eyes as I thought of our children who were seventeen and fifteen， too young to lose a father. My head swam with questions as I pulled into my driveaway. How would the children handle the loss of their father？ Who would take care of him？
My phone rang again; it was my real estate agent. I was numb from my exhusband’s news when she excitedly told me there was an offer on my home.
“ That’s great.” I mumbled.
As I hung up the phone， I wondered about the statistical probability that I would receive an offer on my home the same night that my exhusband was diagnosed with terminal cancer？My house had been on the market for three years. Clearly the universe had spoken to me. In that moment， I knew what I needed to do.
I resolved to move the children and myself in with him. I had faith that this would be a turning point for my exhusband， and he would embrace spending quality time with our children. They would have the opportunity to know their father. I worried the caretaker role would fall on my daughter otherwise. If we moved in together， I could assume this role so my children would not be burdened with the responsibility.
Despite my resolve， I was concerned. I had worked so hard to divorce my husband and the process had been scary. How could I live with him again？ Everyone thought my idea was crazy， even our children.
A few months into living together， the stress began to take a toll on me. Each day his actions and behavior brought up old hurts and wounds from the past. The anxietyrelated anger and hostility created irregular heart rhythms. I was reliving our history each day. I knew I must do something to break the cycle. I had to find forgiveness.
Over the next few weeks， I searched for answers on the Internet and in bookstores， but nothing resonated with me. I was desperate to block the pain of the past. I wanted to stop replaying the old movies from years ago that were triggering my emotions. While I could not control his actions， I could control my emotions. I could choose to feel like a victim or embrace happiness and separate myself from his behavior. We are a product of our lifetime of experiences， and his shaped his choices. He grew up angry， defensive and afraid. Every bad choice he made was driven by his fear. The minute I stopped judging my exhusband’s actions， I broke the line between his behaviors and my emotions. I created space in my heart where I planted the seeds of empathy and compassion， and forgiveness began to grow.
My days became happier and calmer. Peace filled the house as forgiveness took root.
It is easy to say the words， “I forgive，” but they have no impact if your actions are not aligned with your thoughts. So I began to place the intention of forgiveness into every daily chore and interaction. Cooking has always been the way I demonstrated love for my family and friends. As the end approached， I hosted many lunches and dinners for friends and family in our home so they could say their goodbyes.
The pay off came one bright sunny morning just a few weeks before he passed. We were preparing for the last set of guests to arrive. Only family would be allowed to visit after this day. He thanked me for entertaining the multitude of friends over the last week. As he left the room， he turned and said he loved me and without thinking I responded， “I love you too.”
I was stunned as the reality of my words sunk in. It was an honest moment， and I did love him. Not as my husband，but as the father of our children. I love him for just being a human being， a child of God. Forgiveness had given me the ability to stop judging him and accept him for who he was. I was finally at peace with our past. It was time to let go of our history， so we could both move on.
Just three weeks later， he passed peacefully at home early one morning in his bedroom with our family dog by his side.
2011年11月，在辦公室呆了一整天后，我正在开车回家。车内原本愉悦的静默被我前夫的一通电话所打破，我犹豫着要不要接他那充满火药味的电话。我们在六年前就离婚了，不幸的是，他由于离婚而对我产生的怒火依然没有平息。只有在极其必要的情况下，我们才会和彼此说话。我慢吞吞地接起了电话。我希望我那轻快的语气能让我们的对话心平气和些。
他说的话让我大吃一惊。他得了晚期食道癌和胃癌。
我只能低声说道，“我很抱歉，很抱歉。”
泪水刺痛了我的眼睛，我想到了我们那两个十七岁和十五岁的孩子，他们都太小了，不能失去父亲。当我继续开车时，我的脑海里挤满了各种问题。孩子们要如何面对失去父亲的痛苦？谁来照顾他？
我的手机再次响起，是我的房产经纪人打来的。当她兴奋地告诉我有人要买我的房子时，我还没从我前夫的消息中回过神来。
“那很好。”我喃喃低语。
挂上电话之际，我在想，前夫被诊断出末期癌症的同一天晚上有人出价购买我的房子，这几率有多大？我的房子已经放入市场三年了。显然，事实已经告诉了我答案。那一刻，我知道该怎么做了。
我决定和孩子们搬到他那里。我相信这会是我前夫的转机，他会和孩子们共度一段美好时光。他们能有机会了解父亲。另外，我担心照顾人的活儿会落到我女儿头上。如果我和他们住到一起，我就能接手这份活儿，我的孩子们也就不用肩负这份责任。
尽管我已经下定决心，但我还是很担心。我费了很大功夫才和我丈夫离了婚，那个过程非常恐怖。我怎么能再次和他住在一起呢？所有人都觉得我的想法很疯狂，包括我们的孩子。
住在一起几个月后，压力大得让我觉得难以负荷。每一天，他的一举一动都是在揭开过去的伤疤。躁怒与敌意让我心率不齐。我每天都在重温着我们过去的历史。我知道自己必须做点什么来打破这种僵局。我必须学会原谅。
接下来的几个星期，我在网上和书店搜寻答案，但没有任何东西能引起我的共鸣。我极度渴望遏制过去的痛苦。我不愿再想起多年前那些让我愤怒的画面。虽然我不能控制他的行为，但我能控制自己的情感。我可以选择让自己做一个受害者，也可以选择去拥抱幸福，让自己不受他行为的影响。
我们的人生经历铸造了我们，而他的人生经历影响了他的选择。他在一个愤怒、战战兢兢、恐惧的环境中长大。他所作出的每一个糟糕的选择都是出于他的恐惧。从我不再评判前夫行为的那一刻起，我的情感不再受制于他的举动。我在心田开垦出一块地方，种下同情与怜悯的种子，原谅开始发芽成长。
我的日子过得更加开心与平静。当原谅的种子生根发芽后，房子里充满了平和的氛围。
说出“我原谅”这几个字很容易，但如果你的行动和想法不一致，它们就没有任何意义。所以我开始将原谅的意图落实到日常家务与互动中。烹饪一直是我向家人与朋友表达爱意的一种方式。当最后的日子临近，我在家里为亲朋好友多次准备午餐和晚餐，让他们可以好好道别。
在他离去前几周的一个阳光明媚的早晨，这一切得到了回报。我们正在为最后一批客人的到来做准备。这天过后，就只有家人才可以过来探望。他感谢我在过去一周招待了这么多朋友。当他离开房间时，他转过身来对我说他爱我，没有经过任何思考，我回答他，“我也爱你。”
当我的话脱口而出时，我惊呆了。那一刻我是真心的，我真的爱他，不是作为我的丈夫，而是作为我孩子的父亲。我爱他，因为他是一个普通人，是上帝的孩子。原谅给予了我力量，让我不再评判他，而是接受他。我最终放下了我们的过去。是时候放下一切的恩恩怨怨了，这样我们才能往下走。
三周后的一个早上，他在家里的卧室内安详地离去，我们家的狗陪伴在他身边。
His words took my breath away. He had stage IV esophageal and stomach cancer.
All I was able to whisper was， “ I am sorry， so sorry.”
Tears stung my eyes as I thought of our children who were seventeen and fifteen， too young to lose a father. My head swam with questions as I pulled into my driveaway. How would the children handle the loss of their father？ Who would take care of him？
My phone rang again; it was my real estate agent. I was numb from my exhusband’s news when she excitedly told me there was an offer on my home.
“ That’s great.” I mumbled.
As I hung up the phone， I wondered about the statistical probability that I would receive an offer on my home the same night that my exhusband was diagnosed with terminal cancer？My house had been on the market for three years. Clearly the universe had spoken to me. In that moment， I knew what I needed to do.
I resolved to move the children and myself in with him. I had faith that this would be a turning point for my exhusband， and he would embrace spending quality time with our children. They would have the opportunity to know their father. I worried the caretaker role would fall on my daughter otherwise. If we moved in together， I could assume this role so my children would not be burdened with the responsibility.
Despite my resolve， I was concerned. I had worked so hard to divorce my husband and the process had been scary. How could I live with him again？ Everyone thought my idea was crazy， even our children.
A few months into living together， the stress began to take a toll on me. Each day his actions and behavior brought up old hurts and wounds from the past. The anxietyrelated anger and hostility created irregular heart rhythms. I was reliving our history each day. I knew I must do something to break the cycle. I had to find forgiveness.
Over the next few weeks， I searched for answers on the Internet and in bookstores， but nothing resonated with me. I was desperate to block the pain of the past. I wanted to stop replaying the old movies from years ago that were triggering my emotions. While I could not control his actions， I could control my emotions. I could choose to feel like a victim or embrace happiness and separate myself from his behavior. We are a product of our lifetime of experiences， and his shaped his choices. He grew up angry， defensive and afraid. Every bad choice he made was driven by his fear. The minute I stopped judging my exhusband’s actions， I broke the line between his behaviors and my emotions. I created space in my heart where I planted the seeds of empathy and compassion， and forgiveness began to grow.
My days became happier and calmer. Peace filled the house as forgiveness took root.
It is easy to say the words， “I forgive，” but they have no impact if your actions are not aligned with your thoughts. So I began to place the intention of forgiveness into every daily chore and interaction. Cooking has always been the way I demonstrated love for my family and friends. As the end approached， I hosted many lunches and dinners for friends and family in our home so they could say their goodbyes.
The pay off came one bright sunny morning just a few weeks before he passed. We were preparing for the last set of guests to arrive. Only family would be allowed to visit after this day. He thanked me for entertaining the multitude of friends over the last week. As he left the room， he turned and said he loved me and without thinking I responded， “I love you too.”
I was stunned as the reality of my words sunk in. It was an honest moment， and I did love him. Not as my husband，but as the father of our children. I love him for just being a human being， a child of God. Forgiveness had given me the ability to stop judging him and accept him for who he was. I was finally at peace with our past. It was time to let go of our history， so we could both move on.
Just three weeks later， he passed peacefully at home early one morning in his bedroom with our family dog by his side.
2011年11月，在辦公室呆了一整天后，我正在开车回家。车内原本愉悦的静默被我前夫的一通电话所打破，我犹豫着要不要接他那充满火药味的电话。我们在六年前就离婚了，不幸的是，他由于离婚而对我产生的怒火依然没有平息。只有在极其必要的情况下，我们才会和彼此说话。我慢吞吞地接起了电话。我希望我那轻快的语气能让我们的对话心平气和些。
他说的话让我大吃一惊。他得了晚期食道癌和胃癌。
我只能低声说道，“我很抱歉，很抱歉。”
泪水刺痛了我的眼睛，我想到了我们那两个十七岁和十五岁的孩子，他们都太小了，不能失去父亲。当我继续开车时，我的脑海里挤满了各种问题。孩子们要如何面对失去父亲的痛苦？谁来照顾他？
我的手机再次响起，是我的房产经纪人打来的。当她兴奋地告诉我有人要买我的房子时，我还没从我前夫的消息中回过神来。
“那很好。”我喃喃低语。
挂上电话之际，我在想，前夫被诊断出末期癌症的同一天晚上有人出价购买我的房子，这几率有多大？我的房子已经放入市场三年了。显然，事实已经告诉了我答案。那一刻，我知道该怎么做了。
我决定和孩子们搬到他那里。我相信这会是我前夫的转机，他会和孩子们共度一段美好时光。他们能有机会了解父亲。另外，我担心照顾人的活儿会落到我女儿头上。如果我和他们住到一起，我就能接手这份活儿，我的孩子们也就不用肩负这份责任。
尽管我已经下定决心，但我还是很担心。我费了很大功夫才和我丈夫离了婚，那个过程非常恐怖。我怎么能再次和他住在一起呢？所有人都觉得我的想法很疯狂，包括我们的孩子。
住在一起几个月后，压力大得让我觉得难以负荷。每一天，他的一举一动都是在揭开过去的伤疤。躁怒与敌意让我心率不齐。我每天都在重温着我们过去的历史。我知道自己必须做点什么来打破这种僵局。我必须学会原谅。
接下来的几个星期，我在网上和书店搜寻答案，但没有任何东西能引起我的共鸣。我极度渴望遏制过去的痛苦。我不愿再想起多年前那些让我愤怒的画面。虽然我不能控制他的行为，但我能控制自己的情感。我可以选择让自己做一个受害者，也可以选择去拥抱幸福，让自己不受他行为的影响。
我们的人生经历铸造了我们，而他的人生经历影响了他的选择。他在一个愤怒、战战兢兢、恐惧的环境中长大。他所作出的每一个糟糕的选择都是出于他的恐惧。从我不再评判前夫行为的那一刻起，我的情感不再受制于他的举动。我在心田开垦出一块地方，种下同情与怜悯的种子，原谅开始发芽成长。
我的日子过得更加开心与平静。当原谅的种子生根发芽后，房子里充满了平和的氛围。
说出“我原谅”这几个字很容易，但如果你的行动和想法不一致，它们就没有任何意义。所以我开始将原谅的意图落实到日常家务与互动中。烹饪一直是我向家人与朋友表达爱意的一种方式。当最后的日子临近，我在家里为亲朋好友多次准备午餐和晚餐，让他们可以好好道别。
在他离去前几周的一个阳光明媚的早晨，这一切得到了回报。我们正在为最后一批客人的到来做准备。这天过后，就只有家人才可以过来探望。他感谢我在过去一周招待了这么多朋友。当他离开房间时，他转过身来对我说他爱我，没有经过任何思考，我回答他，“我也爱你。”
当我的话脱口而出时，我惊呆了。那一刻我是真心的，我真的爱他，不是作为我的丈夫，而是作为我孩子的父亲。我爱他，因为他是一个普通人，是上帝的孩子。原谅给予了我力量，让我不再评判他，而是接受他。我最终放下了我们的过去。是时候放下一切的恩恩怨怨了，这样我们才能往下走。
三周后的一个早上，他在家里的卧室内安详地离去，我们家的狗陪伴在他身边。