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In the city zoo. Animals are having a big party. They are very happy.
Look！ The tiger is dancing now！ Wow， it’s so cool！ These giraffes are dancing， too！ They can dance very well！ Where are the birds？ Where are they doing？ Please look over there！ They’re on the trees. They’re singing now！ What are they singing？ They are singing Ode to Joy. The parrot is the lead singer.
In water， dolphins are playing with balls. The penguins are swimming. They are very happy.
Are the bears and pandas playing the guitar？ Yes， they are！ Monkeys are playing the violin. And the elephants are playing the drums. They’re a band！
张幔老师点评：
作文题是“动物园举办派对，描述一下它们正在做的事”。
小作者运用现在进行时，播报了一场动物派对。文章句式多样化，运用了丰富的词汇。 但是，二、四段都是描述与音乐相关的内容，让文章缺乏层次感。另外，如果文章内容能多些想象成分，会给人留下更深刻的印象。
下文是小作者修改后的文章，他运用现在进行时，形象生动地播报了一场狮子王的生日派对。文章层次分明，句式多样，运用了丰富的词汇。最令人欣赏的是小作者丰富的想象力，文中贪财的狮子和胆小的绵羊给人留下深刻的印象。
Today is the lion king’s birthday. Many animals are at his birthday party.
Look！ The tigers are dancing now！ They look so cool！ Some giraffes are dancing， too！ And they dance very well！ Where are the birds？ What are they doing？ Wow， they’re singing in the trees now！ They are singing Ode to Joy， and the parrot is the leading singer. Listen！ The pandas are playing the guitars， the monkeys are playing the violins， and the elephants are beating the drums. They’re a band！ Do you see the foxes？ Oh， they are eating the birthday cake now. The cake is made of meat. It’s very delicious. But where is the lion king？ We can’t find him. Haha！ He is a miser（守财奴）. He is counting the money that animals give him. One， two， three... one thousand yuan. He is very happy.
But no one sees the sheep. Where are they？ Oh， they stay at home. Why？ Because they think the lion king is very scary. They are afraid to be eaten up.
熊佩宇
Dogs is very lovely animals. They is bigger than cats. And they weigh about 30 to 60 kg. They like eating meat and milk. And they can do something. And they can help people find someone. But dogs is in danger. Some people want to kill them. And other people also want to eat dog’s meat. Now we should save them.
We also should stop kill them.
龚丽华老师点评：
上文的优点是条理比较清楚：先介绍狗的外表和生活习性，然后介绍狗的危险处境，最后提出应该怎样做。不过也有很明显的问题：1. 主谓一致问题。Dogs is very lovely animals. They is bigger than cats. But dogs is endanger. 这些句子的谓语动词应该用复数形式：Dogs are very lovely animals. They are bigger than cats. But dogs are in danger. 2. 动词用法问题。They like eating meat and milk.句子中的milk不能用eating， 应改为They like eating meat and drinking milk. 句子“We also should stop kill them.”中“停止做某事”用stop kill也不对，根据意思应该用We also should stop killing them. 下篇文章的小作者通过两个段落分别介绍了鸟类的特点和鸟类面临的危险，然后在第三个段落呼吁大家爱护鸟类，结构清晰，意思明了，且渗透了环保问题，有一定的思想内涵。
谢梓仲
Birds are very beautiful animals. They can fly to anywhere in the world. Most of them are smart： they know where they should fly to when it is cold. And they can sing very well. That is why I like them. Although birds are cute， many people want to kill them， because their feathers are beautiful， and some people want to eat them. Now birds are getting fewer and fewer.
But birds are our friends！ We must help them. We must protect them. We shouldn’t kill them or eat them. Let’s make a more beautiful world with birds together！
李芊芊
Dear friends， we all want to grow happily and healthily， so we have to do some things.
First， we should keep happy. It’s important to keep happy everyday. It’s not only a good atiduce but also a good way to face difficulty.
Second， studying hard is also important. As a student， we should study hard， we also can get a lot of fun. So why not do it？
What’s more， we also need some exercise. Exercising is so important. It’s good for our health and it’s a good way to relax.
At last， I hope all of you can grow happily and healthily. Thank you.
李秀芳老师点评：
上篇文章的优点在于逻辑很清晰。首先在给出怎样快乐成长的建议之前摆明原因，提高了信服度。其次，给出的建议之间的链接词用得不错，有变化，避免了重复枯燥。其三，在每点建议之后还给出了相应的原因，很有说服力。最后，此文的语法错误较少。但是，这篇文章也存在一些不足。第一，这是一篇演讲稿。演讲稿的开头应该和书信一样。第二，建议段可以合成一个body，这样会使卷面更好看，也会使文章更有紧凑度。第三，文中句子意思表达清楚了，但单句式可以再多样化，尽量避免句式单一乏味。第四，首段点题还不够充分。最后，应注意尽量少出现语法错误。Everyday此处应改成副词every day；atiduce应为attitude（态度）；difficulty换成difficulties更好。
下篇文章遵循演讲稿格式，作者思路清晰，逻辑严密，语言婉转亲切。第一段提出话题，抓住听众的耳朵；第二段提出了三点建议，层层推进，句式变化多样，且有深度；第三段，重述主题，传达祝福。最后一段，结束演讲。整篇文章结构完整，很有深度！
Dear friends，
I’m glad to have this chance to tell you how to be happy. We all want to grow happily and healthily， but how could we make it？ Here are some suggestions I want to share with you.
Firstly， keep a happy mood. A happy mood can help us to start a beautiful day. Secondly， study hard. Some of you may think study is boring and difficult. But study is very important for us， because “Knowledge is power”， which will make our future life happier. Last but not the least， do more exercises. Not only do we need a bright mind， but also a healthy body， which is the basis of being happy.
Of course there are other ways to make us grow happily and healthily. And if we follow the advice above， we will certainly have a happy growth. May you be happy every day！
That’s all. Thanks！
Look！ The tiger is dancing now！ Wow， it’s so cool！ These giraffes are dancing， too！ They can dance very well！ Where are the birds？ Where are they doing？ Please look over there！ They’re on the trees. They’re singing now！ What are they singing？ They are singing Ode to Joy. The parrot is the lead singer.
In water， dolphins are playing with balls. The penguins are swimming. They are very happy.
Are the bears and pandas playing the guitar？ Yes， they are！ Monkeys are playing the violin. And the elephants are playing the drums. They’re a band！
张幔老师点评：
作文题是“动物园举办派对，描述一下它们正在做的事”。
小作者运用现在进行时，播报了一场动物派对。文章句式多样化，运用了丰富的词汇。 但是，二、四段都是描述与音乐相关的内容，让文章缺乏层次感。另外，如果文章内容能多些想象成分，会给人留下更深刻的印象。
下文是小作者修改后的文章，他运用现在进行时，形象生动地播报了一场狮子王的生日派对。文章层次分明，句式多样，运用了丰富的词汇。最令人欣赏的是小作者丰富的想象力，文中贪财的狮子和胆小的绵羊给人留下深刻的印象。
Today is the lion king’s birthday. Many animals are at his birthday party.
Look！ The tigers are dancing now！ They look so cool！ Some giraffes are dancing， too！ And they dance very well！ Where are the birds？ What are they doing？ Wow， they’re singing in the trees now！ They are singing Ode to Joy， and the parrot is the leading singer. Listen！ The pandas are playing the guitars， the monkeys are playing the violins， and the elephants are beating the drums. They’re a band！ Do you see the foxes？ Oh， they are eating the birthday cake now. The cake is made of meat. It’s very delicious. But where is the lion king？ We can’t find him. Haha！ He is a miser（守财奴）. He is counting the money that animals give him. One， two， three... one thousand yuan. He is very happy.
But no one sees the sheep. Where are they？ Oh， they stay at home. Why？ Because they think the lion king is very scary. They are afraid to be eaten up.
熊佩宇
Dogs is very lovely animals. They is bigger than cats. And they weigh about 30 to 60 kg. They like eating meat and milk. And they can do something. And they can help people find someone. But dogs is in danger. Some people want to kill them. And other people also want to eat dog’s meat. Now we should save them.
We also should stop kill them.
龚丽华老师点评：
上文的优点是条理比较清楚：先介绍狗的外表和生活习性，然后介绍狗的危险处境，最后提出应该怎样做。不过也有很明显的问题：1. 主谓一致问题。Dogs is very lovely animals. They is bigger than cats. But dogs is endanger. 这些句子的谓语动词应该用复数形式：Dogs are very lovely animals. They are bigger than cats. But dogs are in danger. 2. 动词用法问题。They like eating meat and milk.句子中的milk不能用eating， 应改为They like eating meat and drinking milk. 句子“We also should stop kill them.”中“停止做某事”用stop kill也不对，根据意思应该用We also should stop killing them. 下篇文章的小作者通过两个段落分别介绍了鸟类的特点和鸟类面临的危险，然后在第三个段落呼吁大家爱护鸟类，结构清晰，意思明了，且渗透了环保问题，有一定的思想内涵。
谢梓仲
Birds are very beautiful animals. They can fly to anywhere in the world. Most of them are smart： they know where they should fly to when it is cold. And they can sing very well. That is why I like them. Although birds are cute， many people want to kill them， because their feathers are beautiful， and some people want to eat them. Now birds are getting fewer and fewer.
But birds are our friends！ We must help them. We must protect them. We shouldn’t kill them or eat them. Let’s make a more beautiful world with birds together！
李芊芊
Dear friends， we all want to grow happily and healthily， so we have to do some things.
First， we should keep happy. It’s important to keep happy everyday. It’s not only a good atiduce but also a good way to face difficulty.
Second， studying hard is also important. As a student， we should study hard， we also can get a lot of fun. So why not do it？
What’s more， we also need some exercise. Exercising is so important. It’s good for our health and it’s a good way to relax.
At last， I hope all of you can grow happily and healthily. Thank you.
李秀芳老师点评：
上篇文章的优点在于逻辑很清晰。首先在给出怎样快乐成长的建议之前摆明原因，提高了信服度。其次，给出的建议之间的链接词用得不错，有变化，避免了重复枯燥。其三，在每点建议之后还给出了相应的原因，很有说服力。最后，此文的语法错误较少。但是，这篇文章也存在一些不足。第一，这是一篇演讲稿。演讲稿的开头应该和书信一样。第二，建议段可以合成一个body，这样会使卷面更好看，也会使文章更有紧凑度。第三，文中句子意思表达清楚了，但单句式可以再多样化，尽量避免句式单一乏味。第四，首段点题还不够充分。最后，应注意尽量少出现语法错误。Everyday此处应改成副词every day；atiduce应为attitude（态度）；difficulty换成difficulties更好。
下篇文章遵循演讲稿格式，作者思路清晰，逻辑严密，语言婉转亲切。第一段提出话题，抓住听众的耳朵；第二段提出了三点建议，层层推进，句式变化多样，且有深度；第三段，重述主题，传达祝福。最后一段，结束演讲。整篇文章结构完整，很有深度！
Dear friends，
I’m glad to have this chance to tell you how to be happy. We all want to grow happily and healthily， but how could we make it？ Here are some suggestions I want to share with you.
Firstly， keep a happy mood. A happy mood can help us to start a beautiful day. Secondly， study hard. Some of you may think study is boring and difficult. But study is very important for us， because “Knowledge is power”， which will make our future life happier. Last but not the least， do more exercises. Not only do we need a bright mind， but also a healthy body， which is the basis of being happy.
Of course there are other ways to make us grow happily and healthily. And if we follow the advice above， we will certainly have a happy growth. May you be happy every day！
That’s all. Thanks！